Timeout after Papa’s passing
爸爸逝世後的短暫休整（喪父之痛不會完全消失）
BY LEE WEI LING
李玮玲
My life changed on March 23 when Papa died at the age of 91. As he aged and his health failed in the five years prior to that, I took his welfare into account in everydecision I made. His death was hardly unexpected; yet, Papa’s passing affected me more than I had anticipated.
3月23日那天，享年91歲的爸爸去世了，我的人生隨之而改變。爸爸晚年隨著年紀漸長而體弱多病，因此過去五年來，我做每個決定都得將父親考慮在內。爸爸的去世說不上是突然，但對我的影響仍比我想象中要大。
I had not travelled alone since 2009 after he asked me to accompany him on his workingtrips. After Mama died in October 2010, Papa’s health deteriorated. So I restricted my travels abroad to the ones where I could accompany him as I was concerned about his fragile health.
自2009年陪同父親出差後，我都沒有獨自旅行過。2010年10月媽媽去世後，爸爸的身體狀況欠佳。所以考慮到他虛弱的身體，我限定自己的外出旅行，只去那些要陪同爸爸的地方出差。
Following Papa’s funeral, I was not feeling up to a distant trip so soon. But friends encouraged me to attend a week-long meeting organised by the American Academy of Neurology in Washington DC, which began on April 18. After that, I would visit a close friend living in Ithaca, New York.
爸爸的葬禮之後，我沒有准備好長途的旅行。但朋友鼓勵我到華盛頓參加4月8日美國腦神經學會主辦爲期一周的會議，之後我可以到紐約伊薩卡（Ithaca）探望一名密友。
I was hesitant about the trip as I was spent. My muscles were stiff and my body ached. Infact, I remained this way until the day I left Singapore some two weeks later.I travelled in spite of my misgivings because I decided that I needed to proveto myself I was capable of being as daring and reckless as in the past when I travelled alone.
我有點猶豫，在啓程之前兩周我依然渾身疼痛，肌肉僵硬，但我想證明自己能夠像過去一個人出國時一樣大膽，因此仍決定前往美國。
The journey lasted more than 24 hours. But amazingly, when I landed in Washington DC, I nolonger felt stiff or sore and was not hobbled by jet lag either. So I checked into the hotel, washed up and changed into a pair of running shorts and T-shirt- and jogged to the meeting’s venue at a convention centre to register and attend the lectures.
這段旅程持續了24小時，但意外的是，當我到達華盛頓的時候，我的狀況奇佳，不再渾身酸痛和僵硬，甚至沒有明顯的時差反應。我在酒店辦理入住，梳洗之後換上跑鞋和T恤，慢跑到會議地點去注冊登記並出席講座。
As lectures started at 6.30am from the second day, I decided to run instead of walk to the venue inorder to save a few more minutes for sleep. I would also run back and forth from my hotel to the venue to attend the lectures.
因爲講座是在第二天早上6:30開始，所以我決定跑到會場，而不是走過去，這樣可以騰出多一點睡覺的時間。就這樣，幾天來我每天跑步往返酒店和會場。
By embarking onsuch shuttle runs three to four times daily, I clocked an average distance of at least 10km a day. What made these runs more challenging was that I had to cross busy streets and step up and down the sidewalks, often in the dark.
我每天這樣規律地跑三四趟，每天平均跑10公裏。挑戰的是，我需要穿過繁忙的街道，還需要在黑暗中在路邊爬上爬下。
At the meeting,I tried to absorb and remember new information and concepts. The regimen I constructed kept my mind away from dwelling on the loss of Papa, except at night when I was trying to sleep. I was moderately cheerful during the day. Learning combined with exercise has always had an anti-depressant effect forme. So I felt as if I was 40 years old once more during the meeting.
在會上，我努力吸收和記憶訊息和理念。有紀律的生活讓我至少在白天不會沉溺于失去父親的傷痛，雖然到了晚上輾轉反側時還是會思念他。白天的時候我會適度興奮。學習與運動的良好作用也令我感覺自己回到了40歲。
After the conference, I travelled to Ithaca to stay with a close friend. She, too, had lost a loved one recently. I thought we could console each other.
會後，我去Ithaca和要好的朋友待在一起。她和我一樣，最近失去了一位親人。我想我們可以互相安慰彼此。
My friend is four years older and I call her jie jie (“elder sister” in Mandarin); in fact, being motherly is a more accurate description of her behaviour towards me. And when she greeted me, I had an immediate and overwhelming sense of belonging.
我的朋友比我大四歲，我叫她姐姐。實際上，更確切的描述應該是她像媽媽一樣對待我。當她見到我時，我瞬間有了強烈的歸屬感。
My stay with jie jie was the downtime I needed. I occupied my time with routine – grocery shopping, gardening, twilight walks and drives to scenic sanctuaries. It was early spring in Ithaca, and life was returning after an apparently harsh winter. Daffodils and hyacinths were in full bloom, and the trees were startingto leaf out.
我和姐姐在一起的時光正是我需要的緩沖時間。我用規律的生活填滿我的生活：買菜，除草，黃昏散步和開車去景區。那是Ithaca早春時節，萬物複蘇。水仙和風信子花正在盛開，樹木已經開始發芽。
My friend remarked that the changing of the seasons seemed to reflect the cyclical nature of life and death. For me, it was reassuring just to have the sense ofcontinuity, the familiarity of a beautiful Ithaca, and the comfort of anenduring friendship. While this was a welcome change of scene, it was hard notto turn my thoughts to Papa. But unlike the period of two weeks prior and two weeks after his death, thinking of him now evoked a dull ache that was replacing the sharp pain I felt previously.
我的朋友指出，季節的變化似乎反映生死的周期性。對于我來說，沒有間斷感，對美麗Ithaca的熟悉程度，以及持久友誼的舒適度都令我很欣慰。雖然這一幕是一種可喜的變化，但很難讓我不把這些情愫聯系到爸爸。
I suspect this ache will always remain, but perhaps to a lesser degree as time passes.
我覺得這種疼痛會一直保持，但隨著時間的推移也許會慢慢減輕。
In my article published a week after Papa’s funeral, I wrote that I must now move on to face life without him. That was a declaration of hope rather than a statement of fact.
在爸爸葬禮後我發表的一篇文章中，我寫到我必須向前進，去面對沒有爸爸的生活。那是一份希冀的宣告而不是事實的陳述。
I will move on,I have to. But as a friend who had experienced the passing of his parents long ago recalled, that sense of loss and the ache will never completely disappear.
我會前行，我必須前行。但是作爲之前經曆失去雙親的朋友，她回憶說那種失落感和痛苦將永遠不會完全消失。
But today, the sun was out, and as I ran up my friend’s driveway, the budding trees and flowers greeted me. We went for a walk at my favourite waterfall, Taughannock Falls, where I have asked my friend to scatter my ashes after I die. But fornow, life is sweet.
但是今天，太陽出來了，我跑了我朋友的車道，萌芽的樹木和鮮花迎接我。我們去了我最喜歡的瀑布—瀑布Taughannock，在那裏我要求我的朋友在我死後散步把我的骨灰撒在那裏。不過，現在的生活是甜蜜的。
My way of coping with my father’s death is to be grateful that my parents lived happy lives. Old photographs of Mr and Mrs Lee Kuan Yew together, young and obviouslyin love, and more recent ones taken in their eighties and evincing mutualaffection, remind me of what my father said when he saw me sorting through pictures of himself and my mother. “How lucky I have been,” he remarked.
對于父親的去世我的應對方式是感恩，感恩我的父母過著幸福的生活。李光耀先生和太太的老照片，很年輕，很相愛，而且最近更多他們80多歲的照片，深情相擁，讓我想起了當父親看到我整理媽媽的照片時說的話，“我多幸運啊！”
Yes, my parents were lucky until Mama’s devastating stroke in 2008. Subsequently they suffered,as anyone who has lived for so long usually did in the last few years of theirlives.
是的，我的父母很幸運，直到媽媽2008年病倒。後來他們遭受疾病，因爲任何人到了這個年紀都會如此。
Still, 60 years of happiness surely outweigh a brief period of suffering. As I see it, myparents were fortunate to have been able to spend their final years in theirmarital home, a privilege rare among couples.
然而，60年的幸福絕對超越了那短暫的痛苦。在我看來，我的父母很幸運可以在他們的婚房度過他們的最後幾年，這對于夫妻來說是很少見的。